


Fate Alternative: Simulation

by Giulietta



Series: Tainted Holy Grail War [3]
Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bad Cooking, Childhood Memories, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Friendships, Enemies to Friends, Fluff and Crack, Friendship/Love, Kidnapping, Male Friendship, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Role-Playing Game, Secrets, Self-Denial, Slice of Life, True Love, Video Game Mechanics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14623395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giulietta/pseuds/Giulietta
Summary: What if the masters are given a chance to somewhat live and look into the life of their enemies?Kiritsugu/Iri <--> Kayneth/SolaKariya <---> Tokiomi[Everyone else watch.]





	1. Participants

**Author's Note:**

> After Risei altered the rules to chase after Caster, Black Iri kidnaps them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read summaries to get the gist of the story. :3
> 
> Oh yeah. Fate Zero belongs to their creators. :)

“ **Good day to you all.** ” A female voice called out, waking him from his uncomfortable sleep.

 

> Well... It was way better than waking up with worms inside you but still- Wait a second. Pushing himself off from his resting place (a bench?), Kariya finds himself sitting in a garden with a row of benches leading to a mini altar. On-said altar, there stood a female with snow white hair and crimson eyes donned in a black dress with red linings.

 

“Why... did you bring us here?” Kariya asked, scanning the area. Not just any garden, but the garden of Fuyuki Church. How does he know? _Tokiomi and Aoi got married here._

“I’m bored.” The woman in front said. She’s watching the servants outside trying to destroy the barrier she put up. The lady turns around, smiling at her guests. “So I came to this universe to watch you play a game for me.”

 

“Why trap us specifically?” Tokiomi isn’t the type to panic, already awake and sitting on a bench. He looks at the side, sensing a strong barrier preventing the two priests from rescuing them. Gilgamesh isn’t even trying, leaning on the doorway as he teased the Saber servant. Tokiomi stares at his kidnapper, finding a strange semblance with the homunculus few benches away.

“Because you are very amusing.” The kidnapper smiles and waves her hand to create a screen featuring a picture with the word **FATE ALTERNATIVE**. Tokiomi has a bad feeling about this. “To get out, I want you all to participate in my game called **FATE ALTERNATIVE**.”

 

“If we refuse?” Kiritsugu notes how the Irisviel lookalike turned to stare at him. Sitting on a bench with his wife beside him, he comforts Irisviel in the zero possibility of Jubstacheit’s interference during the war. _It was too early._ The old man would be too busy taking care of Illya than stalk them down. If he had a weapon right now, he’d eliminate Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald before he becomes a hindrance.

“You will surely regret it Kiritsu-gu~!” The kidnapper teased and walked over to try and wake up the engaged couple. She watch the red-headed woman stir from her beauty sleep, dropping two headsets onto the duo and walking to Kariya to offer another headset. “Oh yes. Call me Avenger to avoid confusion. It’s easier this way.”

“....” Kiritsugu blinked, receiving a headset as well together with Irisviel. The way Avenger smiled reminded him of Irisviel but with a more sinister tone. But that can’t be Irisviel... Kiritsugu paused, replaying the words the doppelganger said. ‘Is she... from a universe where the wish tainted her?’

 

“What are the rules?” Irisviel asked, holding her husband’s arm as she scanned the area. There were only four masters in the area. Kotomine Kirei was outside the barrier together with Archibald’s student. Maiya was also outside, but she seems at a loss on her next objective. If they get out now, they’ll have a huge disadvantage right from the start. Surely, if this is indeed her, those who follow the rules will be able to escape without damage. Winners and losers never exists in her games. ‘Most of the time.’

“You are to treat this like a game. Nothing more, nothing less. Have fun and bond before you kill each other~” Avenger grins as she heads back to the altar. She looks back at the now-exhausted servants, confused masters and sealed servant (Berserker), commenting. “I’m sorry but you can’t play the game. You can watch though...Or you can kill each other.”

 

“E-eh?” Sola-Ui’s eyes widened when she decides to wear the headset, having a screen pop out in front of her. Sola-Ui reads the instruction where the player must choose important decisions and voice opinion for their characters, tilting her head. “Role-play?”

“Yes! Isn’t this fun? Here. Let me choose which life you’ll play with.” Avenger hums as she swaps Kiritsugu and Kayneth before swapping Kariya and Tokiomi from their boxes. All four masters glared at the woman, realizing the evil deed committed. “There. Kayneth must live Kiritsugu’s life, Tokiomi must live in Kariya’s life and Sola-Ui must live Irisviel's life.”

 

“ **We refuse.** ” Tokiomi, Kayneth and Kiritsugu responded at the same time. However, Kariya can’t help but smile. Even if this is a virtual game, it feels more like a break from the chaos than a real kidnap.

"Do we get different servants?" Sola-Ui frowns, but Irisviel answers her fellow female. "I believe we will."

“Too bad~ I’ve decided. Now go and play while we watch you.” Avenger nods gingerly when she sees the hesitant contestants wear the headset. Avenger then stares back at the spectators. “You can go around and do whatever. Come back later.”

 

“B-but you stopped time. No one’s moving...” Waver pointed a very fine point all four kidnapped masters didn’t notice before. Tokiomi asks, looking up to see a bird frozen in flight. “Is Caster and his master roaming free?”

 

“No... _Unfortunately._ ” Avenger huffs her breath but Tokiomi sighs in relief. Good. Surely, Kirei and Gilgamesh would use this opportunity to track down and kill the immobile target-

‘What?’ Tokiomi saw Kirei being bugged by Gilgamesh in drinking wine. The strangest part here is the fact Kirei doesn’t want to leave. He’s actually interested in watching the game.


	2. Pregame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The participants try to get along.

‘How did this happen?’ Waver thought to himself, sitting beside Rider as the servant started a drinking party with his fellow kings. It seems none of them wish to leave, unwilling to play dirty while the other masters are trapped in a twisted game. All Waver remember was waking up, wore clothes and about to eat breakfast until Rider decides to carry him like a potato and bring him here. _It was annoying._

 

“That woman...” The Judge or also known as Kotomine Risei muttered, furrowing his eyebrows at the power level of the unknown entity. He doesn’t know how she entered this plane, but the evil circulating her body is a different source all together. _It’s something indescribable._ The worse part here is the fact the Holy Grail War is put into a pause (quite literally) due to this one woman. ‘Hopefully, this will not decrease the chance of success.’

 

* * *

 

“...” Strange enough, Sola-Ui and Kayneth are whispering to each other, devising a plan for later. For a second, Diarmuid thought the barrier removed the charm casted on the woman until he and Sola-Ui caught eye contact and she winked. The lancer servant bowed his head, sullen.

“You were lucky this occurred or you would have died by now, **rat**.” Kayneth tells the magus killer staring at the screen with his wife. Kiritsugu blinks, turning to stare at the man.

 

“I know.” Kiritsugu doesn’t even bat an eye and it caused Kayneth to remove eye contact. **That confidence.** Kayneth grits his teeth, ‘why am I worried over nothing?’

“I realized something” Irisviel turns to Kiritsugu after she reads the profile of her character, tilting her head. “Does this mean our characters act in line with their desire?”

“...Most likely.” Kiritsugu closed his eyes, remorseful as if belittling Kayneth’s wish. Kayneth throws (the first thing he finds worth throwing) a pebble at Kiritsugu, missing by a few millimeters.

 

“What fine throwing skills, Kayneth.” Sola-Ui rolled her eyes, reading the profile of her character in preparation to the game. Kiritsugu didn’t even move, ignoring the male in favor for his wife.

 

“We should probably get along... temporarily.” Tokiomi looks away from the sight, turning at a hostile now-turned albino.

“Oh?” Kariya turns to him with angry eyes. It seems Tokiomi disrupted his enemies’ profile, Tokiomi raised his hands. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You already did!” Kariya threw round pebbles at him, unable to harm the magus in this field.

 

“Kiritsugu?” Irisviel tugs Kiritsugu’s sleeves, smiling to her husband. “This is a game. It doesn’t matter if we die or not. Let’s have fun for the time being, okay?”

“...” Kiritsugu doesn’t respond, looking back at his screen but leaning on his wife’s shoulder. Irisviel leans as well, humming as she reads Kiritsugu’s character profile.

‘Those two...’ Saber doesn’t know why but the magus killer and homunculus look like a newly-wedded couple. It’s a strange sight. One she never saw before... She doesn't know how to feel with this.

 

“...” Archer watched his pompous master fending off Berserker’s master who’s throwing pebbles at the man. It was a rather amusing to say the least, curious why Tokiomi refuses to fight back even when he has the means. He decides to look at Berserker, seeing the servant sealed on the spot. The mad dog can't do anything so far which was strange because things were starting to bore him. 'At least there's other forms of entertainment.'

 

“Ok! Let the game begin.” Avenger chirped and the spectators get to see the screens of each player.

 

**[START]**


	3. Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Game literally start from childhood because of two masters.

 

> _"..." A female with blank crimson eyes and white hair read a book near her family's workshop, waiting for her brother to come out of the workshop to play with her._
> 
>  

“A world where I’m not an Einzbern...” Irisviel von Einzbern was at awe, watching her character. She turns to Kiritsugu, jubilant. “Kiritsugu! We must meet immediately and then... Get married!”

“We have to follow the timeline.” Kiritsugu replies without hesitation, putting down the microphone attached to the headset. Watching a young version of himself walk down the hallway, Kiritsugu asked. “Head back to the study room and advance your family’s magic.” 

 

> “ _...” The raven wearing a blue nobleman attire looks around, curious at the command but complying in the end. Turning around and heading back to the library, the young Kiritsugu had a bored look on his face._
> 
>  

"Why did you do that to yourself?" Irisviel asked, already pushing her virtual young self to explore and make friends with fellow magi. Kiritsugu leans on her shoulder, muttering. "I'm following Kayneth's self-imposed hermit life."

"I can hear you, rat!" Kayneth turns to shout at him, "And for your information, I am quite wanted back in my days as a successful and dashing male... But why should I expect anything from a heretic?"

 

"..." Kiritsugu continues to ignore him in favor for his screen, increasing his intellect and magic like a game character. Kayneth grew a vein, angry how he was being shrugged by the man. “Are you even listening to me?!”

"I want to see you now!" Irisviel puffs her cheek, pushing Kiritsugu down. Kiritsugu refuses to back down, asking a heaving Kayneth ~~if he's seen the twisted part~~ ~~of his life~~ at random, "How's life?"

 

> _"Let go of me!" The young blonde whined as a brunette lifted him by the waist and started spinning around. The blonde was embarrassed, struggling to break free._
> 
>  

"I am being bothered by this try-hard non-magus user Shirley." Kayneth may sound like he dislikes the female, but there was a hint of care judging that the brunette treated him like family. "Your father is also very caring for a usual magi."

"...Avenger. Have you altered the family crest?" Kiritsugu asked, watching Irisviel pouting as her character is told off on what to do and what not to do. Avenger grins, “Only to you and Kayneth! If I don’t then the surprise in this world will crumble. Where would the fun go in that~?”

“What are you talking about?” Kayneth asked, heading back to his seat and watch his character memorize the bible verse for Shirley's sake. "This is just a game featuring an alternate universe."

“Here. A controller for your battles.” Avenger gives a controller. Before Kayneth can refuse, Kariya warns _and fully aware what sort of game this is_. “Press the X button!”

“F-fine!” Kayneth pressed it and watched his character flip an elder harassing a friend. Kayneth grumbles, “stupid controls and game physics.”

 

> _"..." The redhead sits by herself in an enormous bedroom. Watching the snowstorm outside, the child had nowhere else to go._
> 
>  

"Even so... This is a very... realistic game.." Sola-Ui watched her life as a homunculus from a prestigious family. It was very dull and the hallway reeked of death. Her character was void of emotions, spending most of time sleeping in a liquid chamber and being probed. "I-Irisviel? I would like to give you my condolence."

 

"O-oh thank you... I think you should enroll in that." Irisviel accepts absentmindedly, persuading her character in learning how to use a spear. Avenger starts giving them controllers, telling them to just press the buttons when the time comes. To switch options, use the joystick and press the correct button.

"Kiritsugu? What are you doing right now?" Irisviel asks, holding the controller and mashing buttons for a perfect score.

"Socializing." Kiritsugu chooses options where his character gets along with other heads of well-known clan heads. During his character’s training, Kiritsugu also performs a consecutive button combination and increases the character stats further.

“Ara....” Sola-Ui has a sweat-drop, watching the husband and wife very into the game. 'Well. They're married.'

 

> _"Checkmate." The young 'Tohsaka' head smiles to himself, moving the white queen chess piece even when he's playing against himself._
> 
>  

"...Tokiomi." Kariya knows he still want to punch the douche's face, but watching himself in the life of Tokiomi created a tiny hole of pity for the man. Tokiomi covers his mouth, staring at himself in Kariya's life. _Kariya wonders why the man is covering his mouth._ Kariya asked, "How lonely are you?"

 

> _"Aoi! Where are you?" The young Tokiomi asks, looking around without knowing the female is right behind him._

 

"I am not lonely, I am honing my skills. You, on the other hand, are very clueless." Tokiomi finds himself understanding Kariya’s attachment to Aoi better. _A life as the only heir with magic circuits is tough._  This also explains why Matou Clan was devastated when Kariya left. However, the question why Kariya refuses the family crest boggles his mind... 'Wait a second. Wouldn’t this mean I will see the training regime of the Matou clan?'


	4. Ruined Childhood (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiritsugu doesn’t understand the hype.

**Everything was boring at the beginning.**

 

A lot of the spectators didn’t expect much from anyone’s childhood, lounging around and talking about anything under the sun (for Rider much to Waver’s dismay). Saber found herself talking with Maiya just to avoid Archer. Archer, annoyed, decides to talk with Kirei who apparently is watching the game with much interest.

A lot of the audience found the breakfast of the priests lacking, eating bread and strawberry jam spread on top of it. Suddenly, they saw Lord Archibald stand up and frustrated.

 

 

> “ _You have to kill me.” Shirley holds her legs as she struggles to speak, injuring herself as the young Kayneth stares in fear. “If you do it now, there’s still time..”_
> 
> _Few feet away is a silver dagger with the button X to **Pick up**._

 

"That stupid woman!" Kayneth screamed and both Kariya and Tokiomi turned to see a female covered in blood and with glowing red eyes. She seems to be in a cage trying to contain herself.

 

 

> “ _Please!” Shirley’s gripping the cage, able to bend it like soft wire. Shirley screams, “Hurry!”_
> 
> _The boy picks it up, holding the knife but his hands tremble. The option for **Call for Help** appeared as the woman screamed in pain._
> 
>  

**KILL** OR **CALL FOR HELP**

 

“Kill her.” Kiritsugu turns to the side so his back will rest on Irisviel's shoulder. Kayneth looks like he got punched in the gut. “Isn’t she your crush?!”

"I did not see that coming." Tokiomi confessed and Kariya asks out loud. "What did you do to her?!"

"I did nothing! It was her fault for stealing a potion from a magus workshop!" Kayneth explains and Saber stares at Kiritsugu pressing buttons and leveling his character. Saber frowns, ‘How can he be so calm?’

“There there.” Irisviel wraps her arm over Kiritsugu’s neck, tugging him close. It looks like she wants to strangle the man. Sola-Ui looks at Kayneth, staring at the countdown. "Just kill the woman before it spreads!"

"Do you honestly think I can hold a knife and stab a woman who refuses to come near me?!" Kayneth chooses **CALL FOR HELP**. Kayneth stares at Kiritsugu, "Is this the correct choice?"

 

 

> _The blonde takes the blade but runs away towards the Church for help._

 

"..." Kiritsugu busies himself with his character, ordering it to also learn how to use a blade. Kayneth screams, “Answer me! This is your life, rat!”

 

“Ah... The Vampire Purge in Alimango.” Risei gave a brief lesson to the audience. “An incident that occurred 16 years ago... The entire village was purged. Not a single one survived... Supposedly. I did not think Kiritsugu would be connected to this incident. Surely, this would traumatize him.”

 

“Maybe it took place in another village, especially if the man still lives?” Kayneth stares at the screen to see his character (staying in the Church). Kiritsugu’s eyes avert from the screen to stare at the child on the bed, giving an early warning before returning back to his game, "Risei wasn’t wrong."

"Oh for the love of god.." Kayneth squints to hear the character look around after hearing the sound of ghastly wails. Peeking through the window, everyone saw the friendly villagers turn into ghouls. Oh and they're eating the priest. _No censorship whatsoever._

“!!!” Moving to the door, the character locks the door only to see a familiar blade pierce through the door. Watching the doorknob twitch, Kayneth orders his character, "Get out of the area now!"

“What is that?” Kariya asks, pointing at the priests in cloaks and holding blades in a weird manner while Kayneth’s character retreats to ‘safety’. Tokiomi explains. “They are the Church’s Executors. People who follow the will of God- (They see a priest loop a head off) Just know they’re present to kill the Dead Apostles..”

 

“Kiritsugu. Have you went to a psychiatrist afterwards?” Saber asked and Kiritsugu threw a pebble at her spot. Saber thought it wouldn’t reach her, but it did. Saber rubs her forehead, surprised when Kiritsugu responded. “Sane.”

“How many times have you tried?” Saber knows she’s pushing her luck but it’s very rare for Kiritsugu and her to talk together. Kiritsugu stares at her, eyes drooping and disappointed at her question. “Six times and another from a priest.”

“How are you sane after that?” Kariya complains, staring at the bloodbath, screams and fire. It was utter chaos. Looking back at his character, Kariya orders it to study the elements again the ‘Tohsaka’ way. Kiritsugu shrugs, continuing back to his game.

 

"I didn’t take those classes, Irisviel." Sola-Ui warned, staring at Irisviel’s play-through.

“But they seem so interesting. Why won’t you take them?” Elegant outside, risk-taking inside. It seems Irisviel wants to be a combat-based magus, learning alchemy even to the point she has to support her advanced studies.

“I see...” Sola-Ui can't help but admire Irisviel's tenacity. If only they weren’t enemies, she would like to have a cup of tea with her.

 

“I don’t know why... But Kiritsugu’s route are the same as those games I played in the arcade.” Iskandar notes, watching the child dodge and push debris just to survive from the ghouls. Waver face palms, “Don’t compare a person’s life with a game...”

 

“How unfortunate can you get?” Kayneth learns his character’s father unwilling to conform to the Magus Association’s standard. Even if the character is too young to support himself, this 'man' needs to die for his heretic crimes.

 

 

> “ _I hid a motorboat on the south coast, just in case of this.” The man steps forward, the word **KILL** becomes available as the character stays motionless._

 

“I’m sure the rat killed his father as well.” Without hesitation, even when his character is ready to fall to the ground, Kayneth decides to.

 

**[KILL] FORGIVE**

**X O X O - > X <\- O -> MISS!**

 

 

> “ _...” The father stares at his son in fear and shock, clutching his wound on the stomach. However, it didn’t hit a vital area. The father’s gaze darken, “You...”_

 

**[COMBAT START!]**

 

“...” Kiritsugu stands up, walking towards Kayneth’s area. Kayneth didn’t think the father would recover so quickly.

 

“Kiritsugu?” Irisviel looks at her husband grab for the controller and start the battle.

 

Well. It wasn’t a battle, especially when Kiritsugu got the knife and threw it to pin the father in place before quickly grabbing for the gun and shooting the man’s heart, lung and lower abdomen or the area where the liver would be. All done in a matter of seconds. Everyone watched the execution, staring at the betrayed face of the only familial bond stabbed and shot mercilessly.

 

 

> “ _Do you want to bring anything?” The bounty hunter asked as the child stares at the dead father._

 

**GUN OR FATHER’S WORKS OR SILVER KNIFE OR NOTHING**

 

“Here.” Kiritsugu gave the controller to the stunned professor, giving the man a pat before heading back to his wife. Irisviel wasn’t watching, trusting Kiritsugu to return to her side.

 

“...” Kayneth stares at the man before looking at his options. He chooses **Father’s works** even when the blue-haired woman frowned at his actions. Sitting down, Irisviel asks Kiritsugu. “What did you bring?”

“ **Nothing.** ” Kiritsugu grabs his controller and continues playing. Irisviel looks at Kayneth’s character, “Did you smile Kiritsugu?”

“...” Kiritsugu looks up and noticed Saber’s intense stare. Kiritsugu secretly doesn’t want to give the answer out, but for the sake of his wife. “I might have.”

 

“Why?” Saber asked and Kiritsugu was glad he’s sitting away from the audience. Saber stands up with a toast in her mouth, "Answer me!"

"..." Kiritsugu looks at her and sees not a King of Knights, but a young woman eating a toast of bread. He ignores her promptly like the man he is. However, Kiritsugu wonders why Kotomine Kirei is standing up with that strange look in his face. Kirei... was smiling creepily...

 

'What the hell is wrong with him?'


	5. Ruined Childhood (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kariya doesn’t need your pity.

"How are you, Lord Archibald?" Tokiomi asked, staring at the adrenaline-pumped professor.

 

“...” Kayneth didn't realize he was standing, unsure why he felt drained on watching a man get murdered so up close. It was terrifying ~~and strangely exhilarating.~~ Watching the character go away with the bounty hunter, Kayneth sits down. "I feel...nauseous."

"How many...uh... people did you kill afterwards... Emiya-san?" Kariya hesitates, deciding to try and get along with the man. Since Kiritsugu has a kid(?), maybe the man lessened his bloodlust. _He also doesn’t want to die by the man’s hands._ Watching Kayneth stare with a blank expression, Kariya hopes the man talks to his psychiatrist later.

“Lost count.” Kiritsugu mutters, ordering his character to enter another seminar and advance his **Alchemy** after perfecting **Summoning**. **Necromancy** can only be taught during Wednesdays and Sundays. 

 

"You lost count." Kariya frowns. Looking at his character living the life of a proper 'elegant' magus, Kariya doesn't know how to feel but ask Avenger. "Can we make the characters choose other paths instead of **this**?"

“What are you implying?” Tokiomi glares at the bored freelancer. 

"Yes... To a certain extent so they can still be in character." Avenger seems to be interested in watching Kiritsugu's walk-through instead of the others, liking the sudden genocide in the vicinity. "You can edit some twerks of your character but it's technically you in another life."

"I see..." Kariya stares at his character. He doesn't know why but being in Tokiomi's life seems very... bland. Sure, it's elegant and powerful to learn gem-craft but... It's really restraining. He can’t do photography or use the internet or anything he usually uses when he ran away.

"Kariya... What is the meaning of this?" Tokiomi inquired, staring at his character. Kariya turns to see Tokiomi watch in horror as a young Tokiomi enter the worm-infested basement by his 'grandfather.'

 

 

> _"What's wrong Tokiomi?" Zouken grins as the child looks at him and back at the worm infested grounds. "You are the **rightful heir** for the clan."_
> 
>  
> 
> **_What do you mean?_ ** _OR You're scaring me Grandpa..._
> 
>  
> 
> _"You'll learn soon." Zouken slowly walks closer, causing the character to nearly slip and fall to the pit of worms._

  

"This looks like a torture chamber!" Unconsciously moving away from his screen, Tokiomi isn't going to lie. Real magus apprenticeship isn't like this at all. Avenger smiles, "Please press the **right** buttons to survive!"

"Isn't there a pause button?" Like Kayneth, Tokiomi was not prepared for this. Hearing a younger version of him crying and few inches to a life-and-death situation, the Tohsaka head looks at Kariya. "Surely, the man is jesting!"

 

[It seems this time; Kariya's life gets the spotlight.]

 

"That is what your daughter is facing, bastard!" Kariya told the pale magus, c ~~herishing~~ watching the disgusted look in his childhood friend's face. Shaking his head, Tokiomi denies. "No. It can't be! How could **anyone** learn from this?"

"For the last time, my family is a twisted pile of crap!?!" Kariya screams the same time the child falls. Hearing the scream and the sounds of worms, everyone who watched either: turned pale or green.

 

[ **COMBAT START!** ]

 

'I will **never** be clean.' Tokiomi starts pressing the buttons, turning green as he watched himself try to free himself from the worms. It's a hopeless case, especially when he isn't pressing all of this correctly. Fearing for his character's life, even if it's just a game, Tokiomi asked Kariya who seems to be doing well in the game. "Kariya. Please help me!" 

"Not until you admit the Matou clan is a twisted pile of crap." Kariya can see the audience grimacing at the child being devoured by worms.

"Is that the reason why Kariya ran away?" Irisviel grew pale as Kiritsugu stared. Sola-Ui turns green, covering her mouth as she watched the squirming worms enter the body. "I-I think I'm going to puke."

"Those abominations..." Kayneth is also green, watching those succulent dull-colored cretins infesting the poor innocent victim. Tokiomi finally confess, fearing for unknown reasons. "Yes! The Matou clan is a twisted family!" 

"Drop the politeness!" Kariya wants to hear it himself. Tokiomi exhales, "They're a pile of crap. Are you happy now?!"

"Yes!" Kariya grabs the controller, pressing the buttons for the terrified magus. It seems the albino is used to the obscenities in his own family.

 

 

> _"You did well." Zouken nods in approval as the child coughs a worm from his mouth. Opening the door for the child, Zouken walks away and tells him. "Get dressed. School starts in ten minutes."_

 

"Kariya..." Tokiomi realized, turning to stare at his enemy in ~~awe~~ a new light. "You... you had to endure this every weekend?" 

"I don't need your pity!" Kariya gives back the controller and handles his own, still having a grudge on the man.

"Those worms look like dicks." Kiritsugu, the usually I-don't-give-a-fuck master, discusses the elephant in the room. Irisviel stares at the worm and her eyes widen, "You're right!"

"Does that mean...." Sola-Ui is really ready to puke her unfilled stomach at this rate. "Y-you lost your innocence there?" 

 

"..." Now everyone is staring at Kariya, even Lancelot stood silent to stare at him. Kariya waves his hand around. "W-wait! It's not what you think! They... They entered other areas..."

 

[It seems Kariya justified the disturbing detail of the Matou Clan.]

 

"T-that *gulped* explains why the Matou Clan is decreasing in number." Kayneth is not affected. No. He's just nauseous because of the bloodbath in his game.

 

"Boy." Rider pats Waver's back, whispering. "Be wary of this Matou clan."

"..." Saber and Archer didn't know it, but they sported similar horrified faces. Choosing to remain silent, Archer decides to drink his wine cup while Saber closes her eyes. "If you need any help, I as a Knight will lend a hand to the distressed."

"I as well." Lancer followed and added, "No human being should be forced to experience such atrocities."

"It seems the Matou clan requires cleansing..." Risei squints, looking at his son for added support. Kirei nodded, deep in thought.

 

[Kariya feels like he's being judged.]

 

"I... didn't know major families do that...to their children?" Waver looks uneasy, "I suddenly feel glad about myself."

"For the sake of family..." Kiritsugu looks away, but it seems Kariya gained the magus killer's respect.

"What a... brave soul." Kayneth voiced out, secretly deciding to accept the blowjob from his ‘mentor.’ Surely, Kiritsugu chose the same option?

 

[Kariya doesn't need that type of respect!]

 

"Guys!" Kariya wailed and Tokiomi pats his shoulder, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

"You are the last person I want to hear this from!" Kariya pushed Tokiomi away. As if sensing the solemn respect for the brave runaway, Avenger decides to call for a break. 

 

"Break!" Avenger calls out, setting three tables (one for female, one for male and the last for food preparation). Having all the participants turn to stare at her, Avenger smiles at them. "Now that you've finished **Childhood** , it is time for you to talk among each other and bond before starting **Normal Life**!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I made a squad of Zouken killers... o-o


	6. Breakfast, Food and Prayer (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Love is about Life-and-Death.

"I don't feel so hungry." Kayneth watched himself kill yet another target given to him by his mentor Natalia. 'What self-respecting teen would kill for a living-?'

"Fine by me." Sola-Ui stands up and, watched Irisviel drag Kiritsugu to the table. Sola-Ui has a whole new respect for Irisviel, wishing to get to know her b ~~efore she dies~~. "Irisviel. Do you mind we have some... female time?" 

"I do not mind!" Irisviel seems to like the idea, pushing Kiritsugu away. Walking side by side with her other female friend to the food preparation, Irisviel suggests with a cheerful tone. "Let's prepare the food for our loved ones!"

 

"..." Kiritsugu watches his wife with a curious gaze before turning to the other supposed married man.

"Kayneth." Kiritsugu calls the man's attention, noting Kayneth's gameplay. The assassin frowns when he saw the professor choose **SEX** instead of **REFUSE**. "Are you sexually-deprived?"

"N-no!" Kayneth realized the man in front of him, turning his headset off before anyone can see the lewd scenes. Pointing his hand at the skeptical mercenary, "I should be asking that question at you! You have so many females and males throwing themselves at your feet-!"

"and I lead them on to get the information I require." Kiritsugu finishes, watching the stupefied man. Turning to the table, Kiritsugu asks. "Coming?"

"He's so mysterious." Sola-Ui whispers, watching the two talk. Irisviel hums, "Kiritsugu is easy to read once he opens up."

"You don't need to tell me the obvious." Kayneth recovers just to push Kiritsugu to the side and walk to the table. Kiritsugu follows behind him, unsure why the man is embarrassed.

 

"We should go too..." Kariya initiates, placing the controller down. Tokiomi silently followed suit, still traumatized in watching himself turn into... a worm victim. Both him and Tokiomi turned their headsets and walk to the food preparation table.

"Let's get something light... yes?" Tokiomi doesn't know why, but Avenger's plan of making them sympathize with the other is working **really** well. Kariya nods, looking at the different jams and spreads. "Yeah."

 

* * *

 

"Can we ask some questions to our master?" Saber asks Avenger and the woman in black smiles. "Of course! This is the time of bonding! A life changing moment for the participants-"

"Please limit the questions in line with the Master's thoughts. There will be no BLACK and WHITE answers am I clear?" Avenger glares at Kirei as if aware what the priest would say. Lancer agrees in behalf of his fellow spectators. "We agree in your terms."

"Kotomine." Gilgamesh turns to the brown-headed priest. "I was wrong. It seems you are right to assume both males are worth paying attention to."

"What is he uttering about Kirei?" Risei asks and Kirei shakes his head. "Nothing Father."

"You better not be stalking him." Maiya scrutinized the young priest. Kirei turns to her area, "I am not."

'I let Assassin do it in my stead.' Kirei thought, watching the participants.

 

* * *

 

"Uhm... Irisviel?" Sola-Ui smiles back, watching the homunculus' enthusiasm bringing out an octopus? Not just any octopus, it was the same one Caster summoned during the forest. Sola-Ui tries to stop her, "Wait a second! I don't think that's a real octopus!"

"Nonsense! Avenger said anything on the table can be cooked! This is **clearly** an octopus." Irisviel placed it in the pot with water. Closing the lid, she boils it with basic fire magic. Both Kariya and Tokiomi watch in horror.

"Sola-Ui." Watching her horrified new friend, Irisviel pats her shoulder. "I will make Takoyaki for my husband. Do you want to work with me?"

"I would love to... but no." Sola-Ui stares at the two males sitting on the table, muttering under her breath. "My husband... doesn't like seafood."

 

"Sola-Ui." Kayneth is visibly touched, watching the pot emit a purple fume. 'She does care for me after all.'

"Uh..." Tokiomi has a sweat drop, watching Irisviel break the eggs and forgetting to remove the egg shells. Tokiomi could only think of one word, "Love."

 

"Emiya-san..." Kariya starts, coming back with Tokiomi with a loaf of bread, butter and strawberry jam. "Does your wife know how to cook?"

"..." Kiritsugu stares at his wife reading a cook book before using other alternate ingredients. He looks back at his fellow associates, ignoring the question. "Let's discuss the game."

"Stop avoiding the question!" Kariya thought the man's scary, but it seems Kiritsugu is only fearsome in the battlefield. Familial affairs aren’t the assassin's forte. The sound of unholy screeching from the octopus as Irisviel chops it to bits caused all three males to stare at Kiritsugu.

"Have mercy on your soul." Tokiomi prays for his assassin friend. Kayneth asks, "Did you prepare your will?"

"Guys! That isn't helpful at all." Kariya argues back, squeezing Kiritsugu's arm as he turns to the male. "Emiya-san... You have to tell the truth."

 

[More unholy screaming from the background]

 

"Tell your wife... You can't eat it." Kariya hears Tokiomi and Kayneth gasp. Kayneth slams the table, ordering at Kariya. "Are you out of your mind? She made the food with love and effort! He cannot **not** eat this!"

"Lord Archibald is right. A husband can never say No to his wife's cooking." Tokiomi is also standing, staring at Kariya in a disapproving manner. Kariya raised his hands, "But if he eats it, he'll die!"

"Matou Kariya... Kayneth closed his eyes as if to relay important information. "You will never understand the hardship bonded love will do to you."

 

"My lord!" Lancer was visibly touched at those words. Saber just finds the situation exaggerated.

 

"It is a road most bachelors tend to avoid... The only thing that will save him now is **Love**." Tokiomi covers his mouth, eyes closed as if he saw someone die recently.

"That doesn't make sense!" Kariya face palmed, finding the whole situation to be troublesome. Facing Kiritsugu, Kariya asks. "You don't believe any of them, do you?"

 

"Kiritsugu~"

 

'It's too late.' All three men thought at the same time, watching in horror as the beautiful and elegant homunculus set a putrid smelling clumps of white clay with the color purple and red popping out from some of the balls. It was covered with a lot of seaweed strips.

"I made this all for you~!" Irisviel's smile could make the darkest nights worth surviving. Her cooking? It'll show you a glimpse of hell, _probably_.

"I know." Kiritsugu spoke, his eyes unreadable. On the other hand, Sola-Ui placed dainty French toasts on Kayneth's side.

"Finish it okay? I'll be watching~!" Irisviel pricks one and everyone on the table heard soft screaming. Irisviel looks at the trio, asking. "Oh! Do you want to eat some too?"

" **No thank you.** " All in sync, the males weren't going to eat **that**. Staring at the indescribable expression of the soon-to-be poisoned Magus killer, Sola-Ui whispers. "I made you breakfast..." 

"I am so happy you are my soon-to-be wife, Sola-Ui." Kayneth declared and caused his wife to blush.

"E-eh? Y-you're welcome." Sola-Ui never heard such a heartfelt declaration from the hardhearted fiance. It felt strange and a tiny bit of warmth entered her chest.

 

'Is Emiya-san...' Kariya watched the raven hold the toothpick.

'...Going to...' Kayneth had an inkling the man was ballsy, but not to this extent. Kiritsugu picks the 'takoyaki,' blowing to watch the purple fumes.

'...Eat it?!' Kariya watched Kiritsugu open his mouth and placed the entire thing in his mouth.

 

[He ate it?!]


	7. Breakfast, Food and Prayer (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Purify the man!

When the females head back to their seats, all three men moved their seats away as Kiritsugu ate the ‘takoyaki.’ The three males wondered how long will it take for the Renowned Magus Killer and brave husband to succumb to ~~death~~ poison?

 

[The spectators were able to see the food as well.]

 

"Maiya-san..." Saber watched the brave man lift a ball with a red blood dripping down from it. "Is this the reason why...?"

"I don't know." Maiya furrows her eyebrow, hoping her superior doesn't die from this. "I have never seen Kiritsugu eat her food nor have I seen Madam cook for him."

"Father" Tokiomi asks Risei, "Do you have a spare coffin in case a person coincidentally drops dead?" 

"We have one." Kirei answers in his father's stead and Risei ends. "But surely, Emiya Kiritsugu will survive this…. With the power of love!"

"..." Both Magi stared at each other.

“How much does a funeral parlor cost in Japan?” Kayneth asks Tokiomi, feeling partially responsible for the man’s apparent suicide attempt. Tokiomi mutters back, “I will help you later.”

 

 “How does it taste Kiritsugu?” Irisviel smiles at the bowed raven. Kiritsugu slowly looks up, eyes deader than the usual _who all three participants sympathized_ and gives a pained smile. “N-needs work…”

“Oh dear… I’m sure I did it right.” Irisviel turns away and Kiritsugu pushes himself away from the table to avoid blood dropping on the table cloth. The male participants realize the assassin is internally struggling to keep himself alive, most likely using magic to survive the demon cooking.

“…”Kiritsugu covers his mouth as blood drips down his fingers.

‘I knew it!’ Kariya stood up, realized why Kiritsugu kept his face bowed. He doesn’t want his loved one to realize his suffering. “Can we get a healer here?”

“No no no. He’s all right~ That’s just the food coloring.” Avenger watched Kiritsugu trying to keep his cough silent. The blood dribbles from Kiritsugu’ left hand and falls onto the grass.

“Maybe I should try it too?” Before Irisviel turns to Kiritsugu’s area, the Magus killer wipes his mouth, hides his bloody hand and sits straight to face his wife.

“You can't! You...Do it on your next batch.” Kiritsugu responds quickly, stabbing one of them with a toothpick. As the food emits a higher pitch scream, Irisviel tilts her head. “But you don’t seem to like it-”

“I’m surprised on the ingredients you used...” Kiritsugu’s pained expression is masked with a look of feign b ~~etrayal~~ surprise. Picking up another piece, everyone knew the assassin was signing his death wish as he raised the vile food item into his mouth. “See…?”

“I’m so happy.” Irisviel looks back after she watched her husband eat another one. Sola-Ui who’s still staring at the brave Magus Killer, asks. “How many times have you cooked for your husband?”

“Many times! But… Kiritsugu always says I need improvement.” Irisviel decides to bite on a confectionery placed on their table by Sola-Ui; her eyes widened at the onslaught of taste. She beamed, not noticing the magus killer standing up and beating his chest as if choking nor did she notice Kariya beating the raven’s back or the two noblemen talking about the expenses. “This is delicious! What is this?”

“Tart.” Sola-Ui answers and watches the woman try more confectionery on the table.

 

“Hang in there!” Kariya suddenly remembers his own internal problem with the worms. He turns to Avenger, “Why aren’t **those things** moving?”

“Time stop, Zouken and lack of magic activity.” Avenger enumerates. “One wrong move and they’ll start crawling so be careful~”

"Emiya Kiritsugu. In case you die right now, I will personally pay for your funeral rites!" Kayneth is feeling awfully generous in Waver's opinion. The spectators are still eating bread and it seems Saber is hogging the peanut brittle.

"Emiya Kiritsugu..." Tokiomi gives a hint, "For your valiant actions, we will dedicate this Morning Prayer before you die-I mean before you consume your wife’s cooking."

"I will pray for you too!" Kariya watch one of the balls shakily move and try to get out of the platter. Kiritsugu scoffs at them, covering his mouth with his bloody hand. “I’m not going to die…”

"We will never know once you devour everything." Tokiomi watch the magus killer stare at the cooking. Sitting back down with the other two, Tokiomi leads the prayer. "May we put our palms together as we offer this miraculous morning..."

“You-” Before Kiritsugu could finish his sentence, he puked more blood onto his hand. Moving his hand away from his face after sensing something huge emerge from his mouth, Kiritsugu sees a tiny octopus moving.

 

"..." Kiritsugu stares at it, unsure if he should be afraid or angry. All he felt was... Complete emptiness.

 

“Amen.” Tokiomi ends with Kiritsugu crushing it in his bare hands. Slightly pale, the magus killer’s gaze had a blank revelation. Kiritsugu turns to Maiya, “Give me the acid.” 

“No.” Maiya knew what her superior’s asking. Kiritsugu glares at her, “Maiya.”

“I am not risking your life.” Maiya watch his superior grow minutely irritated. Kiritsugu sighs, rubbing his forehead with his suddenly-cleaned hand. “It’s either holy water or acid…”

“Excuse me?” Risei wondered how **Acid** went all the way to **Holy Water**. Does that mean he ate-? Risei gives a soft nudge towards his son who is pretty eager to help.

“I have Holy water.” Kirei offers and Kiritsugu waves it off. Kiritsugu doesn’t even look at the two priests, muttering under his breath. “No thank you.”

 

“…Shall we?” Kariya asks his two colleagues. Kayneth nods as if Kiritsugu is a hopeless case. “We must, no matter how unfortunate this assassin tends to be.”

“The Holy Water?” Tokiomi asks, catching the Holy water thrown at him. Kiritsugu takes a step back; a bead of sweat fell from his head to the side of his face. “What are you planning?”

“!!!” Kiritsugu dodged Kayneth and Kariya but he didn’t think Tokiomi would use the tablecloth, elegantly removed with no utensils pulled with it, at him.

“Hold him down!” Tokiomi orders and realizing the audience were watching them intently, decides to order his men to drag the rebellious patient under the food prep table.

"Tokiomi!" Kiritsugu growled, eyes seething in anger. It seems the tablecloth made a pretty good make-shift straitjacket for the patient. The wonders of magic

"Thank us later." Tokiomi gives him a  ~~sinister~~   ~~sadistic~~ majestic smile and watched Kiritsugu futile struggle. Kayneth scowled, trying to secure Kiritsugu in the legs while Kariya was the upper body. "Stop taunting him, Tokiomi!"

"But It's surprisingly fun." Tokiomi admits, watching the raven struggle. "You should try it."

"Tokiomi! Get your ass in here!" Kariya finally dragged the body halfway in.

 

* * *

 

 

“Kirei… What is the matter? You seem to be saddened by something?” Risei notes Kirei’s clutched hands, watching the table shake and the screams of **PRY HIS MOUTH OPEN, DON’T MOVE** and **LET HIM COUGH OUT THE BLOOD FIRST!**

"Oya..." Gilgamesh chuckled, “Do not worry ‘Father.’ Your son is merely devastated on how they manhandled the sinner.”

“Archer.” Risei looks at the idle servant moving his wine glass. “Why do you often visit my son in the late hours?”

“He is amusing. That is all.” Gilgamesh smirked, not realizing his response caused Saber to move a little farther from the blonde and closer to the black-haired lancer. “Lancer. What do you think of this whole affair?”

“I have honestly never seen my Lord interact this way to anyone.” Lancer confessed, looking down at his cup. He looks at Waver, “What about you, Waver Velvet? Has he acted this way before?”

“No… He usually belittles anyone under his caliber.” Waver heaves, drinking his milk offered to him by Avenger. “And why am I drinking milk? I am old enough to drink wine.”

“To grow taller!” Rider pats his back, having pushed his master face-first to the floor. Seeing a blonde crawl out of the table, Rider exclaimed. “Look! They have finished the deed.”

 

“…” All three masters came out, dusting their clothes and pretending they never did anything bizarre. They were laughing though on some internal joke. Kiritsugu came out last, eyes filled with anger at the three. Standing up, Kiritsugu had the bottle of holy water with him and splashed it at them.

“How childish.” Tokiomi joked and Kiritsugu uttered with venom. “ _Aspersio._ ”

“!!!” All three of them flinched in pain with Kiritsugu looking at the water with a raised eyebrow. “Huh. It’s the real deal.”

“What did you do that for, you ungrateful swine?!” Kayneth complained but Kariya had more important concerns. “Wait a second! How did you learn that and why did we get hurt when we aren’t even unholy?!”

“…” Kiritsugu stares at them before walking to the table. “A priest taught me…”

“That human beings are naturally sinful.” The three males watched the raven talk as he purify his takoyaki before flipping the contents into the air. Kiritsugu looks up, squinting before looking back at them.

“Iri.” Kiritsugu then ‘claim’ to his wife when everyone clearly saw the act, “I finished the food.”

 

“Oh really?” Sweet and innocent Irisviel turns to look, smiling back at her husband “Good job! Now with our stomach filled, we can talk about what we’ve learned!”

“Toast?” Kariya asked, offering the bread with blueberry filling to the magus killer as everyone took a seat. Kiritsugu takes it, pretending nothing ever happened.

 


	8. Q&A (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They eat.

“Let’s start with your profound battle plan after you leave the church.” Avenger starts, sitting at the center of the Round table. Kariya was curious how they ended up sitting here. ‘Where did the table come from?’

“Tokiomi starts first.” Avenger cheers and Tokiomi wipes his mouth with a handkerchief before he starts.

“First off, I would like to apologize to Matou Kariya for my ignorance.” Tokiomi closed his eyes, remorseful. However, after he opened his eyes, Tokiomi said something that made Kariya face palm. “After this game, I would like to have a word with Zouken about proper training.”

“I finally learn why this bourgeoisie is a naïve pretty boy... After this game, I’m still killing him.” Kariya muttered while covering his face. Tokiomi blinked, confused. Kayneth shrugs, “Even if I’ve learned my opponent is strangely unlucky since birth, I will continue my operation.”

“Well…” Sola-Ui looks at Irisviel, “Now that I know you’re the vessel of the Holy Grail War, I... Pity will do nothing. My goals have not changed.”

“Oh wow.” Avenger looks over at the couple. “How about you two?”

“Sola-Ui… Her life is so wonderful.” Irisviel smiles and it made the redhead cover her face in shame. Irisviel looks over at Kiritsugu, “After the game, I hope we all gather the information we need. Kiritsugu?”

“I learned nothing from the magus...” Kiritsugu removes the toast from his mouth, “After the game, I’ll attend to Kayneth’s visit; Prepare a visit to the Matou Mansion; Locate Caster’s master; Visit the Matou Residence in the morning and (As soon as Irisviel ducks down to pick something up) _m_ _urder the residents_ _except for one_ ~~_though that will take my entire afternoon_~~ _…_ _Get out and a_ _ssassinate Caster’s master and have Saber kill the servant all before nighttime_ _in case_ Kayneth doesn’t die _-_ ”

 

“-We will form a negotiation. (Irisviel returns to her chair, attentive eyes back at him) Irisviel will help Matou Kariya find a house.” Kiritsugu finished with a heart-warming conclusion, eating the toast again as Irisviel smiles. Kayneth glared after hearing the assassin’s plan. “Why are you so confident in revealing your plans?”

“ **You** stated earlier your supposed visit.” Kayneth watch Kiritsugu finish eating his bread. “Saving the child is one way of removing Kariya in the battlefield…”

“And your certainty regarding your early morning assassination?” Maiya asks, curious why Kiritsugu is eating a lot. Kiritsugu picks a tart, “Personal volition. Read the reports in my suitcase.”

“…” Hesitantly, Maiya opens the black case to reveal not guns or explosives but a huge pile of case files. [So much paper oh and there’s a Happy Meal here.] While Maiya is staring at the Happy Meal, Saber picks a case file and asks. “If you narrowed the suspects down to ten people, why have you not asked for anyone’s assistance?”

“Ten?” Kiritsugu bites into the strawberry-filled tart, looking at his notes. “No. Three suspects. Didn’t you read my message?”

“My apologies.” Maiya looks away, but Saber found it inexcusable. _Kiritsugu didn’t even answer the question._

“Kiritsugu? What did you do to the other suspects?” Irisviel asked and Kiritsugu gives an excuse. “I _talked_ with them.”

“Souka…” Irisviel clasped her hands together, smiling with her eyes closed as if imagining something. “You’re so pure-hearted dear~”

“...” Kiritsugu watched his wife imagine something else before munching on another tart.

 

[Saber sees the couple in another light.]

 

“She’s blind with love.” Sola-Ui comments and Kayneth squints at her. “As if you aren’t.”

“What did you say?” Sola-Ui glared back and Kayneth raised his hands, “Nothing dear!”

“W-wait. Emiya-san!” Kariya meant both metaphorically and physically, watching the raven stuff two tarts in his mouth. Kariya has a sweat drop. “Zouken… He's too strong for you.”

“You’re going to help me. You can play with Tokiomi later (“What?!” Tokiomi and Kariya shouts at the same time) since we need him…” Kiritsugu drinks the milk on the table. “…to ask for Father Risei’s assistance.”

“Why not Kirei?” Risei asked, surprised when Kariya and Kiritsugu stared at Kirei. While Kiritsugu picks up a smoothie on the table, Kariya reveals his discomfort. “I think Kirei would get hurt.”

“He’s pretty strong mind you.” Tokiomi slaps Kiritsugu’s hand for eating too quickly, noting Kirei having a stone face. _It’s like the priest got slapped in the face._ Irisviel chuckles, remembering how fast Saber eats. “He is my student, after all.”

“No… I don’t think Kirei would like what’s in there…” Kariya scratches the back of his head. Kiritsugu shakes his soda cup, finding it empty. Kariya shakes his head, “Yeah… I wouldn’t want you there.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have a crush on the man.” Kiritsugu muttered and Kariya punched Kiritsugu’s shoulder. Kiritsugu watched the man turn to face the audience and lean close to the albino’s ear. “I’m right, ain’t I?”

“ **NO!** ” This time, Kariya tries to push his mischievous seatmate. Tokiomi has question marks over his head while Irisviel giggles at the two play.

“Kirei!” Archer was also laughing, listening in at the conversation. “Rejoice! You’re popular among the participants.”

“I do not understand.” Kirei furrows his eyebrows as Archer offers a goblet of wine.

 

* * *

 

“Time for **Q &A**!” Avenger cheers. “Remember. Do not ask for BLACK and WHITE questions unless the person agrees. And you can only ask two questions. We start with the Judge!”

 

“…One question.” Risei stared at the participants. “Tokiomi. Are you really going along with the assassin’s plan?”

“He has no choice.” Kiritsugu answers before Tokiomi could open his mouth. Cleaning the cookie and tart plate, the raven starts eating the muffin plate. “I’m not opposed to kidnapping him if needed.”

“….” Tokiomi looks at Kiritsugu, his well-mannered voice asked what was most suitable for the moment. “You **what?!** ”

 

“Next! Berserker!” Avenger watch the berserker make weird growling noises. Avenger then turns to Waver, “Waver Velvet!”

 

“A-ah…” Waver looks at all of the adults staring at him. Waver bows down, nervous. “I’d like to ask Kiritsugu about-”

“Everyone knows where you live. The only reason they aren’t harming you is because you are weak.” Kiritsugu answers and watch his fellow raven become depressed. Rider frowned, “He hasn’t finished his question.”

“N-no… He’s right.” Waver bit his lower lip. “But he did it because he wanted me to ask more questions.”

“He did it to **spite** me.” Kayneth glared at the magus killer. Sola-Ui sighs, “Kiritsugu isn’t going to waste his time on you, Kayneth.”

“I’m wondering” Waver asks, “What made you join the Holy Grail War?”

“…” All four males stared at the embarrassed raven. Tokiomi smiles, “Like my ancestor, I would like to reach Akasha.”

“I… want to give Sakura a normal life.” Kariya sighs and Kayneth butts in, “I was personally invited by the Clock Tower unlike a certain individual who-”

“Done!” Irisviel stopped the talk and Avenger agreed eagerly. “Okay! Next! Maiya-san!”

 

“Why are you eating so much Kiritsugu?” Maiya has a sweat drop, staring at Kiritsugu finishing 1/6 of the food on the round table. Kiritsugu paused, finding the question strange. “Self-Replenishment.”

‘Masaka!’ Tokiomi’s eyes widened, ‘Can it be that Kiritsugu…. Is an alternate energy supply like Sola-Ui?! They’re actually preparing for a **Noble Phantasm**!’

“Does it go to your thighs?” Kariya decides to flip Kiritsugu’s tuxedo and sees abs underneath. The shock expression of the raven can tell the audience that much. Kariya hits Kiritsugu on the head with a glass cup, “I thought you were an assassin?!”

 

“ _Hey!_ ” One of the Hassan felt attacked by the answer.

 

“What was that?” Rider looks around, but Kirei coughed to catch majority’s attention. “Let us continue.”

“…Kariya.” Maiya turns to stare at the albino. “After accomplishing your goal, what will you do?”

“Hm…” Kariya gets the last sandwich, “I don’t know…. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I want to win…”

“Next! Saber-san!” Avenger avoids Kirei and turns to Arturia. _Kirei is this close to strangling her._ Saber stands up, facing the participants. “Irisviel and Kiritsugu”

 

“Wait! Saber!” Irisviel warns, standing up. “You don’t have to waste your questions on us! You can ask later!”

“My apologies but this man is not as you see him as Irisviel.” Saber points her finger at her master. “Explain to me the dynamic of your relationship.”

 

“…” Rider and Archer looks to the side. ‘That’s… unexpected of the King of Knights.’

 

“….” Kiritsugu stares at the saber, surprised as well _._ Irisviel looks at Kiritsugu and then at Saber, her eyes shining. “I’m the dominant one in the relationship!”

“?!” Kiritsugu choked on the cookies he was eating when he heard Irisviel’s declaration. His fellow males stared at him. Saber’s stunned while Maiya gasped. Rider laughed together with Archer. It seems the answer wasn’t what one expected.

“I’m right, right Kiritsugu?” Irisviel asks; her eyes sparkling like a child. Kiritsugu sighs, patting her head. “Hai hai...”

“So you like your women tough?” Tokiomi nods, “Just like Kayneth.”

“Tokiomi! Who’s side are you on?!” Kayneth hits the red magus who’s arrived at a conclusion. Kariya laughs shakily, discarding the innuendos.

“I-I see.” Saber was thinking more on the decision-making process but all right. She turns to Kariya, “Matou Kariya. Why does Berserker want to fight with me?”

“Oh…. Berserker? He… doesn’t hate you...” Kariya looks at his servant, “But he doesn’t like you either…. I think he knows you very well but hates you because of what you did... If that makes sense?”

“Thank you.” Saber sits down, contemplating on which ally would have that description. Before Avenger can speak, Lancer stands next and asked Kayneth, “My lord! How can I be a better knight to serve your orders?”

 

“Show me results, never fail a task and stop stealing my-!” Kayneth gets hit my Sola-Ui. Sola-Ui glared at her fiance before smiling back at Diarmuid, “I suggest you also give input in case this coward panics in times of danger.”

“Irisviel.” Lancer looks at the homunculus, “Will you allow me to have Saber-”

“No. Not unless you invite me and Kiritsugu to the wedding.” Irisviel huffs and Sola-Ui seethes in silent rage. Lancer shakes his head vehemently while Saber stutters, “I-Irisviel! Me and Lancer are merely acquaintances!”

“I am asking if you’d let me have a duel with her, my Lady!” Lancer can’t believe people pair him with his enemy… Though, it’s not like Arturia is like other females he encountered. In fact, maybe it isn’t a bad- Irisviel answers, pushing a plate of cream puffs to Kiritsugu’s side. “Okay! I’m sure Kiritsugu won’t mind.”

“.. _._ ” Kiritsugu doesn’t respond, staring at the cream puffs. Kariya decides to take one, tasting the sweet sensation of custard. Avenger continues the role, “Archer? Do you have any questions?”

 

“Emiya Kiritsugu and Matou Kariya.” Archer decides to join **Bully-the-Magus-haters Day** and asked, “What are your opinions towards Kotomine Kirei?”

“...” Kiritsugu looks at Kirei and looks back at Archer, voice turned serious. “Dangerous and unpredictable.”

“He’s...pretty lonely and lost…” Kariya sounds like he pities the priest, “He should party out more.”

“Agreed.” Archer can sense the priest’s scrutiny. “That is all for now.”

 

“Saber’s master!” Rider starts out of the blue, “Do you and Saber have the same ideal?”

“ **We have different methods.** ” Both Kiritsugu and Saber said at the same time, sparks hitting against each other. Rider nods, fine with this idea. “Lancer’s Master! What will you do with the Holy Grail?”

“Bring honor to the Archibald family, what more can one ask for?” Kayneth’s answer caused some servants to turn heads. Saber was most disapproving of them all. Sola-Ui coughs, “Also to reach Akasha.”

“Hmm...” Rider didn’t like the answers, sitting down beside Waver. Picking his cup, Rider confides to Waver. “I’m glad you summoned me boy.”

“Idiot. I wish I hadn’t summoned you. You’re always too rowdy.” Waver looks away as Rider laughed at his description.

 

“Emiya Kiritsugu.” Kirei finally has his turn but Kariya joked to Kiritsugu how he’s being bullied nonstop because of his mysterious identity. Kiritsugu pushed Kariya down to the table, looking at Kirei. “Kotomine Kirei.”

 

…

 

“Why did the atmosphere turn tense?” Waver asked and Rider complies, “It’s a moment between men.”

“That doesn’t sound right.” Lancer hits Rider drinking his cup filled with wine.

“Have you found your answer?” Kirei’s question, without context (and only very few understood what he meant which is only Gilgamesh), caused the Magus Killer to think about the question. Kiritsugu nods, slowly towards his stalker. “I may have.”

‘How vague.’ Tokiomi thought but Kirei accepted this answer as the priest finally asked, “Will it be fulfilled in this Holy Grail War?”

“Yes.” Kiritsugu didn’t think he’d find a person’s smile as creepy as Kirei- No. It's actually a thankful, relieved smile?

 

* * *

 

 

“Ok! Time to talk among each other for tips about the upcoming **STAGE!** ” Avenger cheers, “Then I’ll talk about a new device I got few minutes ago to make the experience more **realistic**!”


	9. Q&A (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mini-Problems

“Ok! Let’s start by twos. We have five minutes to talk with each other.” Irisviel claps her hands together and the participants can’t help but agree.

“Kariya! Talk with Tokiomi.” Irisviel then tugs Kiritsugu who’s still glaring at Tokiomi. “Kiritsugu. Bond with Kayneth and I will handle Sola-Ui!”

 

“Fine...” Kiritsugu sat down beside Kayneth. He starts with a blank face. “I am Emiya Kiritsugu, also known as the magus killer. I entered every single internal and external war in the world, ending it as fast as I can to minimize casualty. I stopped when I accepted the Einzbern's request.” 

“Your introduction is tacky. If we are going to step into each other’s shoes, try something else.” Kayneth actually means _please change it to something useful._ Kiritsugu takes a swig of wine on the table before responding again. “I am talented in everything that involves destruction. Let it be an individual or an entire organization, I will **cut** them down without hesitation.”

“Enough about me. Tell me if my information is false. (Kayneth watch in amazement as Kiritsugu drinks wine as he speaks. It even sounds like his usual annoyed tone!) You are a professor in the Clock Tower, an egotistic narcissist who looks down on others, never able to achieve the happiness even at the peak of his career _probably because of your loveless fiancée and intense desire in proving your excellence._ You have sculptures and paintings in your mansion, bringing some of your crafts in your _bas_ e and thought staying in Fuyuki Hyatt Hotel would spare you from destruction.” Kiritsugu paused to place the wine glass down. “So when I detonated the building, several of your mementos were destroyed. Thus, if not for **this game** , you would have half-haphazardly attacked the castle as vengeance. I’m in a disadvantage here.”

“That’s way better-Wait what?!” Aside from the fact Kiritsugu half-insulted him, Kayneth can’t understand how the assassin was able to figure out the lay-out of his mansion back in London. He was sure he kept his workshop a secret unless his students rat him out. He also knows he can’t talk while drinking. Kiritsugu shrugs him off, “You also have bad relationships with your relatives and allied factions. They’ll take everything from you once you die. Better start finding a disciple and writing your will.”

“Stay out of it.” Kayneth didn’t think Kiritsugu would stop in all honesty, but he did. Of course Kiritsugu decides to keep quiet as he eats chocolate truffle with his wine.

 

On the other side, Kariya was enumerating his life to the red magus. “After I got away from my clan, I became a freelancer more in writing articles and stories. I like to take pictures and undergo short trips.”  

“You also dislike me and your father.” Tokiomi sighs, hoping forgiveness came faster. He knows he’s wrong so why isn’t Kariya feeling grateful? Tokiomi starts, “I’m-”

“You’re a stuck-up traditional magus who like playing chess and drinking his tea. Your family also has a land renting system to maintain the leylines and gain income.” Kariya squints, “Tokiomi. You haven’t changed a bit since the last time we met.”

“I don’t even remember meeting you...” Tokiomi revealed, looking back to see Sola-Ui and Irisviel agreeing with something. ‘And why does Kariya know so much about me? Is the media actually recording my actions???’

 

“Kayneth?” Sola-Ui asked her fiancé, “I would like to have my own car and a credit card under your name.”

“What brought this up?” Kayneth asked and Irisviel responds back, “A car is a non-magus vehicle that you can use to travel in great distances and will also carry material for an extended amount of time. A credit card is an item that non-magus use to buy great quantities of clothes and food without bringing real currency. In short, Sola-Ui wants to shop and explore the world~!”

“Wait a second, Kayneth-san!” Kariya warned before the man could make a response. “Think about this carefully. If Sola-Ui is a shopaholic, you’ll need to keep placing money in your bank account.” 

“I’m rich enough.” Kayneth rolls his eyes. Irisviel and Sola-Ui cheers happily.

"Hmm..." Kiritsugu watched the females in interest. “They’re going to get tired of that soon...” 

“Ha! How could you understand women when you have a homunculus as a wife?” Kayneth pointed out. He knows his woman. Sola-Ui always bought the best of items and complains constantly at the food services. Bloody hell! Sola-Ui even complained to their hotel’s management. Kiritsugu shook the empty wine bottle to obtain the last drops of liquid, stating. “You’re right. I don’t understand women. I simply give her everything I have and teach her its purpose.”

“Aww~! Well! I love my family and I’m very good at making things.” Irisviel responds after Kiritsugu’s short narrative. “I want to experience the world in its entirety so I dislike frugality and traffic safety!”

 

“How much do you allot?” Kayneth isn’t worried. He’s asking to prepare himself. Kiritsugu raised his wine glass, cheering his demise. “Prepare a billion dollar- pounds to be in the safe side.”

“A billion?!” Kayneth exclaimed, but Kiritsugu shushed him as if he’s experiencing a headache with his antics. But seriously speaking, does he really need to accumulate that much for just one woman?! Kiritsugu nods, “You’re right… 500 million pounds with around 500 million worth of land properties and artifacts around the world. Do it while you still can. There’s going to be an inflation coming soon and you’re going to regret it-”

“That isn’t helpful!” Kayneth argued. Kariya tries to reassure his fellow participant. “Kayneth-san. You’re talking with an assassin. An assassin hired by the state and the mafia. They pay millions for his services.”

“Did you research about me?” Kiritsugu asked, curious. Kariya blushed, “E-eh. No? I just happen to read the news daily. How did you eliminate your posers?”

“I didn’t. Old Man Acht did.” Kiritsugu doesn’t seem to care about the topic. “It seems he plastered my face in every board announcing I’m the true Magus killer. A shame really, I could have fooled everyone here that I’m a fifty-year old serial killer who eats ghost pepper for breakfast.”

 

“Kiritsugu likes his sweets.” Irisviel revealed with a smile. Kiritsugu turned silent, squinting as Kayneth covers his pompous laughter. Tokiomi inquired, “Bought goods yes?”

"Surely." Kariya confirmed as Irisviel smiled back at her husband. Kiritsugu warned Kayneth, "this talk changes nothing between us, am I clear?"

"Indeed. I wouldn't want to underestimate a sweet-toothed assassin." Kayneth said in a sarcastic tone. Kiritsugu stared at him, slightly narrowing his eyes. Tokiomi looked at the clock, "five minutes! Time to change everyone!"

 

* * *

 

“You really love your husband, don’t you?” Kariya told Irisviel as Kayneth partnered up with Tokiomi as well as Kiritsugu with Sola-Ui. Irisviel bows her head a bit, “Madly in love. He made me who I am today.”

“How did you get your assistant?” Sola-Ui asked, looking at Maiya. “She looks really tacky.” 

"She isn't the type to shop for clothes." Kiritsugu also turned to stare at his helper. “Makes sense when I found her bleeding in the battlefield.”

"How did the Holy Grail War turn this way?" Kayneth complained and Tokiomi heaved in response. "My apologies... I myself cannot comprehend how such a tragedy came to be. I believe the fault may lie on the selection process or in brief terms: The Matou Clan."

"Don't look at me. I ran away from them." Kariya defended himself when both adept magi stared at him. Tokiomi jovially declared, "I volunteer to be the leader of the Temporary Club called **Save Kariya**."

"Oh god why. Just... just don't please." Kariya covered his face in shame. Irisviel gave a pat on the raven's back, "there there! We won't abandon your cause, right Kiritsugu?"

 

"Hmm." Kiritsugu nods, listening to Sola-Ui drone on and on about how boring Kayneth is. Sola-Ui crossed her arms, "And can you believe he won't give me the liberty to check the sights with Lancer? What's the point of being rich if you can't use your assets?!"

'Lord. Just kill me now.' Kiritsugu squinted, wondering how much longer he must endure. Even Kayneth and Tokiomi's conversation is more interesting than this and he can't even understand Tokiomi's broke English.

"Please talk in Japanese. I am capable of understanding your language." Kayneth prayed to the deities above the Tohsaka Head gets the hint and speak normally. Tokiomi shook his head, smiling towards the unfortunate soul. "No. Lord Archibald. I insist on speaking in a tongue more natural to you."

'He doesn't even sound natural.' Both Kariya and Irisviel thought as Kayneth banged his face onto the table at the 'naive' magus. Kiritsugu was the one who voiced out the thought of all male participants, "this isn't working! Let's get back to the game."

"Come now Kiri! We're learning lots from this." Irisviel chuckled at her husband's impatience. Kiritsugu stared at her, "All I confirmed is the fact: Kayneth needs marital advice, Tokiomi is sitting on a land mine, Kariya is being eaten alive by dick worms, Sola-Ui is likely a Disney fan, I'm extremely unlucky and you're too good for this world!"

 

"What's Disney?" Sola-Ui inquired and Tokiomi asked his own question, "what do you mean by land mine?"

"I love you too Kiritsugu." Irisviel confessed and the assassin face palmed. Irisviel giggled, placing her fist onto her palm, “How about we all drink later when we come back home? I brought my Clan’s wine collection!”

“Splendid! How about we celebrate tonight?” Rider seems all aboard with the idea. Kiritsugu and Waver answered at the same time. “ **Now’s not the time for that!** ”

“…” Waver and Kiritsugu stared at each other. Both have a blank expression. Waver doesn’t know why, but Kiritsugu’s starting to look less threatening in his eyes, _which is stupid because that man can still kill him_!

“Switch!” Irisviel declared and stood up to push Kiritsugu towards Tokiomi. She grabbed Sola-Ui’s arm and led him to Kariya and the albino decided to sit and talk with Kayneth.

“You’re too hyped for this.” Kiritsugu sighed and Irisviel merely giggled.

 

* * *

 

“Does everyone have a wine collection?” Kariya has a sweat drop. Kayneth and Tokiomi stares at him. It was Tokiomi who answers first, “It is a must.”

“It dictates your position in society!” Kayneth continued. Irisviel shrugged, “I thought it was a hobby.” 

“Gifts and to poison enemies..” Kiritsugu confessed and Tokiomi squinted at the assassin, “Emiya… You should take a break once in a while. Wine tastes best if you savor the moment.”

“Fine. Maybe drinking wine is good…” Kariya face palmed, “But collecting different types of wine around the world is stupid.”

“You like traveling and taking photos but you despise extravagance? Kariya… You must evaluate your life decisions. I could teach you if you have spare time?” Tokiomi suggested and Kariya nearly hit him with a wine bottle. Tokiomi hears the bottle crash on the floor, commenting. “Well. It wasn’t a good brand.”

“Calm down Matou.” Sola-Ui crossed her arms, unmoved. “It’s not your fault you weren’t raised this way.” 

“That isn’t a valid reason to start collecting wine!” Kariya yelled as he stood up.

 

“Oh no… We have to stop them Lord Archibald!” Irisviel panics but Kayneth rolled his eyes, “It’s pointless meddling with a one-sided affair. Leave them be.”

“You…” Irisviel then looked towards Kiritsugu, pouting. Kiritsugu pretends not to see but he can do so little against the gaze of his beloved. Tokiomi sighs, staring at the destroyed tea cup on the floor. “Why are you so sensitive?”

"Constantly on the run and a ruined childhood?!" Kariya glared at the magus, “Isn’t it obvious Know-it-all?”

“Ok... Why do you hate me-?” Tokiomi received a punch from Kiritsugu, promptly falling from his seat. Kariya blinked, staring at Kiritsugu. “Eh?”

 

“Kariya.” Kiritsugu crossed his arms, staring at the journalist. “It’s useless trying to talk with this old-fashioned magus. You have to _break_ \- (Kiritsugu can see Irisviel clasping her hands together with those attentive eyes) the ice first.”

“I-I see…” Kariya looked at the direction and also saw the look of the assassin’s wife. “Kiritsugu… You really changed.” 

“He did, didn’t he? I wonder why not all males change for the better.” Sola-Ui’s words caused Kayneth to feel a sting. The blonde decided to ask Irisviel, avoiding the pointed gaze. “How did you fall in love with him again? Was it a love potion or an enchantment?”

“Kiritsugu… I simply love him.” Irisviel made Tokiomi hold his chest. Tokiomi replied, “She acts as if she hasn’t exited her honeymoon!” 

 

“I thought I knocked you out?” Kiritsugu will take note of this. “Last.” 

“Why last?” Irisviel pouted. Kiritsugu inquired, “Don’t you want to prepare the castle... for our _guests_?”

“You're right!” Irisviel is touched and yet the assassin looked disgruntled. Irisviel agreed, standing up. “Okay! Last one!”

 

* * *

 

“Since you’re a wanted assassin, what do you do with all the cash?” Kariya wondered as he sat in front of Kiritsugu, “Aside from buying weapons, saving it in banks and buying your necessities?” 

“…I.” Kiritsugu turned silent, admitting to: “I spend it.”

“…” Both males stared at each other. Kiritsugu coughed, covering his mouth. “I let my family spend it for me.”

“Oh…” Kariya frowned, “I think you should tone the spoiling or your kid will grow… you know?”

“I have a daughter.” Kiritsugu emphasized, “She deserves the best.”

“Yeah but… You have a ruined childhood and a horrible upbringing so I assume you…” Kariya can see Irisviel and Tokiomi talking about the Greater Grail while Kayneth and Sola-Ui are discussing about the finances after the game. Kariya continued, “What did you teach your daughter?” 

“Don’t worry. Iri and I read several books regarding Child rearing.” Kiritsugu reassured and Kariya still feels something off with that which he was right since Kiritsugu told him. “We also taught her how to survive the winter and get acquainted with a dagger.” 

‘Noooo!!!!’ Kariya knew this was going to happen. Kiritsugu pulled out a small wooden knife, “She even made me a knife. It’s enchanted with the help of her mother, but not enough to kill a vampire.” 

“Did she kill anything?” Kariya asked, hoping the father wouldn’t do that of all things. Kiritsugu denied and was back to his blank expression. “She wouldn’t hurt an animal.”

‘That doesn’t mean she won’t harm a human!’ Kariya covered his face. Irisviel stood up cheering, “It’s settled! The Club name will be SAVE KARIYA~!”

  

“Kiritsugu and Kayneth. A word please?” Tokiomi asked as he too stood up. The two came forward, curious. Kariya squinted as the three men conversed in front of him.

“When did you start talking on the first name basis, Tokiomi?” Kiritsugu turns silent. “Now that I think about it, most of us are using the first name basis...”

“Sh! In the **SAVE KARIYA** Club, I will be the leader.” Tokiomi starts and Kayneth face palmed, “I don’t plan on helping that non-magus. I will gain nothing from this!”

“Kiritsugu is the HR Department. Please persuade Kayneth to join.” Tokiomi smiles at the assassin. Kiritsugu stares at Kayneth and Kayneth voiced out in disdain. “Too bad you have nothing to offer me.”

“...” Kiritsugu decides on what to do and heads to the table. The servants thought he’d grab a knife or a chopstick or even a fork, but grabbing a spoon? Kiritsugu’s action didn’t alert the participants, heading back with a spoon.

“If you don’t join, I will use force.” Kiritsugu warned, holding the spoon with a serious expression. It’s funny and a bit terrifying at the same time. Kayneth found it hilarious. “What are you going to do with that spoon? Beat me to death?”

 

* Tap. Tap. Tap.

 

“...” Kiritsugu pats the spoon onto the magus shoulder before slamming it forcefully _and breaking a shoulder._ Tokiomi whistles, “You should have seen that coming.”

“MY COLLARBONE!” Kayneth screamed and Sola-Ui and Irisviel head over with curious and worried expressions.

‘These guys are way out of my league…’ Waver looked down, seeing how Tokiomi went towards them and asked, “Who wants to join SAVE KARIYA club? It’s only for a limited time.”

“I will join if my lord consents to the idea.” Diarmuid said. Tokiomi looked at the injured blonde, muttering. "Oh he will."

"If this will have Kariya give up his claim for the Holy Grail." Arturia said. “How about you two?”

“We shall!” Iskandar didn’t even ask Waver’s answer and the teenager sighed. Gilgamesh smirked, “I will think about it, Tokiomi.”

“Thank you, my King.” Tokiomi bowed. Risei merely chuckled, watching the youth collaborate. Kirei on the other hand was analyzing the documents in Kiritsugu’s bag when Maiya excused herself to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Kariya confronts Kiritsugu. “What are you holding?”

 

“I... am holding a spoon.” Kiritsugu’s honesty actually made Kariya step back. Kariya asks, “For an assassin, why are you using... boku? I was thinking assassins are rude and all that...”

“He’s bleeding!” Sola-Ui was surprised as she said this, checking the man’s shoulder area by forcing Kayneth to remove his shirt. Irisviel wondered, “It’s a horizontal cut injury!”

“Yes...” Tokiomi turned towards Kiritsugu, “How did you do that?” 

“I just kill stuff.” Kiritsugu answers back as the two females heal the sad man. Kariya frowns, “Kiritsugu? Is it possible... to partner up with you?”

“Your berserker will annoy my saber.” Kiritsugu examines his spoon and notes the sharp edge. ‘So that’s how that happened.’ 

“But... The more I get to hang out with you, the more I see you aren't a bad guy. You just… Don’t seem like the type.” Kariya placed both hands on his hips. Kiritsugu shakes his head, “It’s best you see me as a villain before you regret it.”

“Do you celebrate your birthday?” Kariya asked, unaware the conversation caused the assassin to freeze up. “I was wondering because you lost your parents and all...”

 

“Where’s Avenger?!” Kiritsugu yelled. Kariya pinched Kiritsugu’s arm, complaining. “Tell me if you celebrate your birthday!”

 

* * *

 

  
“COMING!” The lady in black popped out from nowhere, holding a helmet. “This… Will transport your mind into the character’s body. It’s to make sure that we get as much action as we can and for you to literally live in each other’s past!” 

“So if we eat food, do we get to taste it?” Kariya asked and Avenger nodded, “Everything you do here will be just like reality.”

“Thank goodness I escaped the mansion.” Tokiomi was relieved he followed Kariya’s path but he suddenly turned sullen, “But I’ll go back there before the Holy Grail War. No….” 

“Heheheh.” Kariya couldn’t help but laugh. Kayneth stared at his hands, muttering. “I’m going to kill so many people…”

“Remember Archibald. Assassins kill, not have sex or torture their victims.” Kiritsugu has seen Kayneth’s game activity history. ‘It’s darker than my browse history.’

 

“Can we have sex in the game?” Irisviel points a very good question, but Sola-Ui glared at her. “If you have sex with Lancer, I will never forgive you!”

“I’m married.” Irisviel finds that threat strange. “I have a daughter and a loving husband. Why would I... (Stares at the mole of the Lancer servant) Right. I’m sorry but… I don’t know if I can. You see? I asked that question so Kiritsugu and I can try out some things on the bed! It is a wonderful past time.”

“Things?” Kiritsugu was clueless to that part. Irisviel nodded, "Yes. I have learned so much from Sola-Ui's life."

"Have mercy on your soul." Tokiomi prayed and Kiritsugu was still thinking about whatever Irisviel said.

"You mean kinks and BDSM?" Kiritsugu was not the type to beating the bush. Irisviel nodded, "Yes! I recently purchased it in my game!"

"Okay then..." Kiritsugu's thoughts are back to the inevitable appearance of Lancer. He is not going to have Irisviel turn into a puppet- “Iri… If you do fall in love with Lancer, I’m going to give you the command seals so you won't do anything drastic.”

“I.. I won’t let you down!” Irisviel declared. Sola-Ui nudged Irisviel’s arm, “You’re so lucky!”

“No~ You are! We’ll try our best to help you if you have the same goals as we do!” Irisviel giggled she pushed Sola-Ui in return. Kayneth glared at Kiritsugu, “Why would you do that?” 

“Because in that game, I’m you and I joined for no good reason.” Kiritsugu stared at Kayneth. “I never did a lecture before… Can’t I just assign them on missions in accordance to the Association?”

“Too dangerous. A professor’s job is to pass wisdom and intellect to his students!” Kayneth was pretty passionate- “Students who go against your teachings are no better than peasants.”

“Ah…” Kiritsugu’s eyes drooped. “Of course we’re back to the magus hierarchy.”

 

“I get to be a father?” Kariya didn’t know what to say. Tokiomi thwacked his friend on the head, “Yes yes and also handle my paperwork. I am the Second Owner of the Land.”

“I will be the best father.” Kariya seemed happy.

 

“Yes… It has gotten dull hasn’t it?” Avenger looked around, “Don’t worry everyone. The game ends when you die and one of you wins the Holy Grail there. We will get a short pause before the Holy Grail War to spice things up a notch.”

**Author's Note:**

> Irisviel and Kiritsugu decides to push the game to its limit. [They both have fun]
> 
> Kayneth and Sola-Ui realizes how fucked up their enemies' lives are. [Kayneth succumbs to the life of a protagonist's harem]
> 
> Kariya and Tokiomi learns to understand yet also dislike the other more. [They gain more respect for the other]
> 
> The servants learn more about their masters.


End file.
